Broken open – falling upward

In many ways the last years have been a time of deep transformation. A dissolution of my belief in the so called reality of myself as an individual automous separate psychological ‘person’. As Mooji says ‘the ego is a ghost that is terrified of dying’

Many of us today do not approve of this kind of ‘death to ego’ and we are conditioned to think we can’t ‘kill’ the ego because it is just who we are – it is a good thing and it should be loved, it is our friend and it is our unique identity and something to be celebrated and enjoyed. Sound familiar?  This sounds much more compassionate doesn’t it?  

On the surface this makes sense to our minds and I really see the compassion in this but we can mistake the permanent witness that is our True Self and that never changes for our personality and body mind that constantly changes and grows and evolves and is built on the shifting sands of phenomenality. We do need to look deeper than this. Yes we can love ourselves of course. Jesus first and foremost teaching said “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.'”

But he also says “Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.” – Matthew 10:39 

What does this really mean? The point here is that fundamentally who we are is not a psychological soup that is always changing of memories, conditioning and self image (ego). This is who we tend to THINK we are but actually what is constant and alive and unchanging about ourselves is not egoic identity – it is a deeper witnessing presence. It is unborn awareness. Living spirit.  There is a perishable body here and changing thoughts and memories and changing self images, but there is also an imperishable consciousness, an eternal peaceful uncontaminated pure source. It is invisible, it is spirit, beyond any conceptual box, it is mysteriously ineffable. It is always here, fresh alive and pure. This is the true life giving essence. Our lives are fleeting as a body mind but this is always here. Through losing the tightly held grip of our minds insistence on separation something unravels and relaxes and dismantles. What a relief, what a joy and also what a discovery.

Richard Rohr speaks about this transition in his book of the title ‘Falling Upward’.  i recommend it!  

Somehow I just cannot have the kinds of conversations with friends that I used to. I have lost interest in chasing the phenomenal things of this world. The emphasis I used to have of trying to be someone in the world or be successful in the world have simply fallen away. It feels like the world I knew became so restricted. There was pain, loss and a feeling that i KNOW there is a deeper reality. Somewhere deep inside something said ‘yes’ quietly to truth, to God, whatever that is! Something in me just knew that heaven on earth is HERE, as Jesus says, regardless of circumstances and that peace and great joy is possible, right now, but not ‘from’ this world as such and not as ego, but in communion with this divine Self that is always readily available though faith, through trust and through absorption in the heart of these pointings.  In this a true freedom is discovered as the unreality of identity as ego is dissolved by grace, in gratitude and in love.